67 Lessons from 40 Years

Remember when you were younger and someone told you that they were 40 and you thought to yourself, “Holy shit, that person is ancient” and it felt as though “getting old” would never happen to you?

Well, it happened to me. I’m ancient.

Over the years, I’ve come across various articles like, “Things I Wish I Knew In My 20s,” “30 Lessons I’ve Learned in 30 Years,” and “10 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self.”

A lot of them I really enjoyed. Some of them I still have bookmarked.

I never in my life thought I’d be a guy writing stuff on the internet, but now that it has played out that way, I thought I’d create a list of lessons that could help you in life. Or at least prevent you from making some of the mistakes I’ve made.

So, here are 67 lessons I’ve learned from 40 years of life in no particular order. Hopefully, you’ll want to bookmark it.

Drugs are bad…but not all of them

Let’s just dive right it why don’t we. Drugs are terrible. They do horrible things to a lot of people. My relationship with them was what one might call “unhealthy”. I would never tell anyone to do drugs. Ever. Except…except maybe some of them. Am I telling you to go do drugs. No, of course not. That would be illegal. But also…you should do drugs. Hear me out. Psychedelics (including MDMA) done in a controlled setting focused on self-work and introspection have altered the course of my life, how I live in the world, and the impacts are unexplainable if you haven’t used them. Psychedelics might hold a place in the future of medicine for treating ailments like Alzheimer’s, anxiety and depression to name a few. Am I saying that you should run off into the Amazonian jungle to find a shaman and go on an Ayahuasca journey? No. But might that make you more “sane”? Maybe.

Alcohol is also bad…but still

Aside from the fact that it has zero health benefit (and is much more harmful than most people realize), it is also an escape for a lot of people. And that’s not good. Alcohol cost me a lot of my life, now that I look back. I used it to mask a lot of pain and confusion. But…it was also fun. I would be lying if I didn’t say I had fun with it. But never drink and drive. That’s a really bad idea. I see a lot of people who used to drink and then stopped, start to demonize alcohol. And I get it. But also, that’s not fair. Just because one person got out of control, doesn’t mean they have to ruin it for everyone. If used responsibly and not used as a need to fill some greater void, have at it. Or don’t.

Everything thrives in moderation

This might be the wisest advice out there. Unfortunately, most people keep moving the “moderation line” in their lives in different directions. Coffee in moderation, sure. But is that 1 cup? 2 cups? 5 cups? 8 cups? How about your favorite ice cream? Once a month? Three times a week? Once a week? Or drinking? Once a week? Only weekdays? One “nightcap” each night? You get the point: too much of a good thing, or a bad thing, is not a good thing. Find your “moderation” and try not to move the line too much.

Find balance. Or not

In life, in every aspect, you need balance. Unfortunately, to be great at something, you need to live out of balance. Want to start a multi-million dollar business? Great, but you’ll need to neglect other areas of your life like relationships, health, and hobbies. Want to travel the world and see every country? Outstanding, but you’ll have to sacrifice deep connection, finances, and routine. Life is all about seeking balance even though you might never find it.

Say “I Love You” more often

I grew up in a house that didn’t say this. We just didn’t. Personally, it resulted in a lot of confusion and awkwardness around saying it, even showing it, and even how to expereince it. But that also taught me its importance. I’m grateful for that. Don’t be like me. Say it and show it more often. You’ll be glad you did.

Simplify

Simplify everything in your life.

Be a “producer” not a “consumer”

This mindset shift is what brought me here. I just started making things instead of consuming them, and oh boy, is it a completely different world over here. It’s wild: I started making videos, writing articles, writing a book, making book summaries, making workshops, making a podcast…and sharing it all. Is it all incredible stuff? Absolutely not! In fact, most of it is garbage. But I just keep making. Every time I feel pulled to consume something, unless it is necessary, I go produce something. Oh yea, and stop buying dumb shit you don’t need! Thank me later.

Get rid of “stuff”

So…about stuff. I’m not saying you have to go all minimalist. That’s lame. What I am saying is that “stuff” causes a lot more of your stress than you think. Remove the shit you don’t use or don’t need. If you have an emotional attachment to some “things” — clothing, devices, items — that’s not great. The fact is simple: if you have an attachment to something, it has the potential to elicit an emotional reaction — dropped your favorite coffee cup? Feel sad and stressed. Lost your phone? Feel panicked, angry, worried, sad, stressed for days, and so on. You get my point. The more “things” you have in your life that you are attached to, the more stress you will have. I mean, they are just “things”, right? Instead, fill your life with things that symbolize what you care about. Be purposeful about what you let it. Did I mention to stop buying dumb shit you don’t need? I did? Oh, okay. Good.

Focus on experiences

This one is tricky for me because I spent the majority of my 40 years on the planet “pleasure-seeking” over everything else, all while thinking I was doing it for “the experience”. That left me empty. Learn “the art of the experience”: Pursue the moments and memories that make life worth living and sharing with others. If done correctly, it will give you everything. Experiences give us so much more than we could ever ask for if we are “present” for them.

Be present

This one sounds so new-agey, cliche and trite, but it is, probably, the most important one on this list. If you can just be aware that you are in each moment — see the person in front of you, feel the air on your skin, hear the birds chirping — then the world you live in changes. This isn’t possible to do all the time, but it’s worth the effort.

Be grateful

You need a daily gratitude practice. Even if you think you don’t, you do. When you start to see what you already have that is beautiful in your life, your life starts to change.

Every second spent thinking about the past is a moment wasted in the present. And therefore, the future

I came up with this one. It means a lot to me. I used to reminisce about the past a lot. I “lived” there in a way. Forget it. All of it. The past is dead. It sounds harsh, but I’m serious. There is nothing back there for you. Trust me, I’ve looked.

Never, ever stop learning

This one comes from my past life as a teacher: continuous growth and learning is everything in life. Life equals progress. Continue to challenge yourself in new and unique ways. What you are truly capable of will start to emerge and what reveals itself will shock the shit out of you. Yea, I’m talking about you. You are that good. Just don’t stop learning and growing and watch what happens.

Read books

Sadly, somewhere in the education system there starts a disconnection between students and their love for reading. It’s almost like we teach it out of them: one year they love it. The next, they hate it. Books are the cheat code to life. I know this now for a fact. You can take an author’s unique experience, knowledge, insights and years of their effort they put into writing a unique book, and download it into your brain in a few hours. Then you can do what the book tells you to do, and change your entire life. Simply by reading words or listening to them! Why would you not want to read more?

Write shit down

This goes for lots of things. Write a hand-written note to someone. Write things to do on post-its or a calendar. And this one still surprises me how much it has changed my life, start journaling. I can’t say enough about this. Find a practice, technique, or method that works for you. I’ve written about it here. Just find one and start. It will morph over time. And it will reveal a lot about your life and who your are. A lot.

Nobody knows what the fuck they are doing

Seriously, think about what you do each day. Do you really know what you are doing? Unless you are world-class at what you do each day, the best-of-the-best, then you are just piecing it together like everybody else it – just putting one foot in front of the other hoping you don’t trip and fall. And throwing some tape over the cracks. And that’s okay. Keep waking up and keep doing the thing. Whatever that thing is that you chose to believe is important.

Nature holds what you are looking for

Nature is amazing. The saddest part: you’ve probably never really met her. I don’t just mean a quick walk in the nearby park (although that is lovely, too). I mean Nature. Out there “in it”. Removed from the noise and the lights and people. Out there. Most of us spend our whole lives surrounded by buildings, concrete, and chaos, and might only dip our toes-ies in Nature once in a brief while, if at all. That, my friend, is a mistake.

Sunshine is your friend. Go outside

Some estimates say that Americans spend about 93% of their lives indoors or in a car — or “in” some box-like thing. Of course, this varies across countries, but chances are, you need to get outside and feel the sun on your skin a bit more. Yes, that means you, too.

You need a mindfulness practice

It doesn’t matter what it is, but you need to be able to be present and control your emotions. We are emotional creatures. If you go following your emotions all over the place, well, you’ll end up all over the place. The only way I know how to do this is through meditation and journaling with self-reflection. Or drugs. But you’re probably not gonna want to go eating magic mushrooms everyday and move from one foggy delusion to another. Learn to be mindful and present in reality.

Get some clarity in your life

It’s a good idea to know where you are going. You wouldn’t get in your car and start driving without knowing where you’re going, would you? Actually, I would. In fact, I have. And it turned out to be one of the greatest adventures of my entire life. So, yea, this one I’m not so clear on. (But you still need to pick a road and head in a direction. So start there at least.)

Get out of your bubble

Do you really have any fucking clue what the hell is going on outside your little “bubble”? Our world can be so small if we let it be: the same work, with the same people, doing the same thing, at the same place, at the same time, in the same house, with the same habits, eating the same foods, watching the same shows, on the same vacations, with the same friends…Is this a bad thing? I have no fucking clue. For me, it’s not ideal. Shaking things up once in a while is where the real magic happens.

Shake things up once in a while

This one is important enough to get its own section. In fact, personally, I believe this is the secret to life: travel to a different place, say “Hi” to a stranger, try a different food on the menu, join that class, start a whole new exercise routine, try cycling or swimming again, read a book you would never normally read, make love outside under the cover of the night, eat burritos on the hood of your car as you stare up at planes taking off and landing. Shake up the snow globe!

Do hard shit. Get uncomfortable

Wait, maybe this one is the secret to life. I guess there are a lot of “secrets to life”. I started getting out of my comfort zone and doing things that felt very uncomfortable, and, go figure, I revealed some things that make me really, really happy. Like writing this article. A few months ago, I hadn’t typed a single word for 20 years (outside of what was required from work). And now, it makes me happy. Take a cold shower and see what happens. Join an improv class and laugh at how terrible you are, and then, watch yourself improve. Find whatever it is that you think “Oh, I could never do that.” And then go do it. A different, slightly more empowered version of yourself is on the other side of that experience. And that’s pretty rad.

Try to step out of yourself

Sounds trippy, right? Not really. Just try seeing the world through someone else’s eyes every once in a while. We live in our own world of “I, Me, My” from the moment we are born. Our whole lives are spent thinking about our own lives: it’s always what YOU want, or YOU have, or what YOU do. Try thinking about someone else for a change.

The right time is right now

Again, another tough one. Why? Because I remember not too long ago when I was struggling to get started on something and hearing some trite motivation quip like “There is never going to be a right time” and thinking Great. That doesn’t help at all! The problem, though: it’s very, very true. There will never be a right time. You seriously just have to force yourself to start, whether that be exercising, eating healthy, or starting on that dream of yours. Whatever it is, just start now.

Get your ass in shape before it’s too late

If you know anything about me, then you know this is the one. I am obsessed with exercising. I do it daily. I’ve realized why people don’t do that: it’s fucking hard. But here’s the thing, it’s way harder to be out of shape. I know, I was forever. I smoked and drank and partied and barely slept. And I only “exercised” so that I could smoke and drink and party more. Now, at 40, I am in the best shape of my life. By far. The goal is not to not be fat or just walk 10,000 steps. The goal is to have strength, a strong heart, lungs and body, and be flexible and stable. The bare minimum isn’t going to cut it. But you already knew that.

Walk

Walking, although great to get you moving, isn’t enough exercise in the long run. What I mean here is to simply go for a walk to go for a walk. It’s lovely to go for a morning walk or an evening stroll. And walking is magic for thinking through problems. Magic, I tell you!

Food matters…but probably not as much as you think

I wrote about this here and here. Basically, what you eat does matter, but only up to a point. You don’t want to eat too many calories or too few. You want to eat enough fruits and vegetables and whole foods to get the vitamins and minerals you need; get enough protein and essential fats; avoid food-borne pathogens and toxins like mercury and lead. That’s it. Stop overcomplicating this (Re: moderation).

Sleep goddammit. Sleep

One of the best concepts I’ve come across regarding the importance of sleep came from a conversation that Dr. Peter Attia had with a colleague. His colleague asked him: “If sleep is so unimportant, then why hasn’t evolution gotten rid of it?” Remember, this is millions of years of evolution we are talking here. Chances are you need more sleep. Just saying.

Time is going with or without you

A list like this wouldn’t be right without talking about Father Time. The thing with time is this: no matter what you do in any moment, ever, time will keep disappearing from your life. If you want to do something but are afraid it will take 10 years, guess what? In 10 years, you will have either made progress toward what you wanted or spent 10 years wishing you had. The choice is clear.

Face the Reaper

This might be dark for some of you, and if it is, then you probably need to hear this more than anyone: Someday you, and everyone you know, are going to die. Heavy, huh? I realize there are two types of people out there: those that don’t like to think about dying and live their live in avoidance; and those that realize that death is coming for us all and living their life in abundance. Either way, death doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s better to face it than to make what Buddha refers to as our biggest mistake: The biggest mistake is thinking that you have time.

You can never know if you are making the “right” choice

In 2006 I moved to Seoul, South Korea. At the time, I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I just went. I was a 22-year-old kid. No one I knew had gone much farther than a few hour drive from where we lived. And I was going to get on a plane and fly to the other side of the world on a whim. Good idea, Scott. I then lived abroad and had experiences beyond my wildest dreams – for 15 years! When I made the decision to go, I just thought I’d go for “one year because it will be a cool thing to try”. You can never have all of the information before making a decision, so stop trying to.

The small things are huge

The tiniest acts of kindness are so much more impactful than any of us realize. We think that they are so small and insignificant so we don’t do them. You should do them.

We need each other

Social connection may be the single most important factor in longevity and happiness. We need each other. There is no denying that.

Strangers give you everything

Go out and meet new people. People you don’t yet know are out there waiting to meet you. It only takes one interaction for some lives to change forever. And say “Hi” first. Reach your hand out first. Wave first. Smile first. Stop waiting for other people to go first. That’s dumb.

We all have to work so get paid well to do it

“Let your passion drive you and fuck the rest” — A random guy I met somewhere

Listen, we all need to work. Do what you love and make a bunch of money doing it. If you know for certain that you have to work 8 hours a day (which pretty much all of us have to do in some way) why wouldn’t you choose to get paid a lot of money that you can then use to buy time and upgrade your life? That’s what I thought.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness was either broke or rich

Money can absolutely buy you happiness. Kind of. If you spend it on status, useless shit, and meaningless experiences, then, no, it won’t make you happier or your life any better. If you contribute it to a cause you care about and use your money to buy back freedom and time so you can do more of the things that you love doing and spend more time with the people you love, who the fuck is going to say that money didn’t make that happen? And who is going to tell you that you aren’t happier because of it? Stop listening to broke or rich people that say money won’t buy you happiness. They are either ignorant or lying. It will — you just have to use it the right way. By the way, I really hate when rich people say that money can’t buy happiness. It really bothers me. They clearly have forgotten what it was like to be broke. Or even worse, they never were broke. I know one thing with absolute certainty: rich people aren’t willing to give all their money away since “it doesn’t make them happy.” They might think that money doesn’t buy “happiness”, but it sure buys something.

You can do anything you want. Just not everything

This one was hard for me to swallow, but I’m coming around. I now know, without a shred of doubt, that with enough time, focus, energy, and grit, you can do anything. But to do anything you want, you have to give up a lot. If you try to do everything you won’t do anything. Real happiness is found in saying no to a lot of things that would otherwise distract you. Your attention is limited and finite. You have to apply it correctly. This doesn’t mean you have to do only one thing forever, it just means that you can only do one thing at a time. Real peace is found in accepting that there are just some things that you will never do. And that’s okay.

Your life can change in a moment

I’ve heard the cliche that “Your life can change in a moment.” This is true, but only for a handful of moments a year. Maybe fewer. The little choices we make probably matter more in the long run. So when it comes to changing-your-life-in-a-moment type moments, those are relatively rare. Those life-changing decisions, you actually don’t have to make as many of those as you think.

You can’t change your life in a moment

Like I said, the big, life-changing decisions are few and far in-between. But what isn’t, are the small, tiny, seemingly insignificant choices. And that’s where real change happens.

It’s good that you can’t change your life in a moment all the time because that would make you crazy if big life changes were always happening. Also, it’s bad that you can’t change your life in a moment because that means change is super slow and imperceptible. So while not being able to change your life in a moment is good so you don’t stress all the time, it is also bad because, well, many people don’t like to wait a long time for things to change. They want change now, and the want to see the change. But life doesn’t work that way. It takes many, many moments of small, continuous progress to create change. The point is, your life doesn’t change overnight. It takes time. And many, many, many small, momentary choices.

The five words that changed my life

Don’t think. Do. Always do. These five words have changed my life more than anything in the whole world. I hope they do the same for you.

Stop. Fucking. Overthinking

I want to go so far as to say “Stop thinking all together”, but thinking does have its place at times: purposeful reflection and planning, and big, irreversible decisions. That’s pretty much it. But the truth is, most people aren’t faced with those situations often. Hardly ever in fact. The reality is most people are overthinking the shit out of everything. 95% of the time, there’s nothing to think about. Just start.

It’s not fear holding you back

In self-improvement, everyone always says it is fear holding you back. I disagree. It’s that you just don’t know what to do or how to do it. That’s all. When I think back on many things I’ve done that I was hesitating on, I wasn’t “afraid” of anything at all. I just had no fucking clue what to do or where to start. That’s not fear. It’s just lack of experience. So focus on getting experience.

You are responsible for everything in your life

If you feel an urge to argue this point, then you are the problem.

You already have everything you need to start

If you think you need a new app, some gadget, or a cool new tool before you start, you’re procrastinating.

Learn to take criticism

Criticism is by far the best feedback you will ever get. Even the people that hate on you are just telling you exactly what you could do better. Or they’re just shitty, horrible people. That’s possible, too.

Some people suck

This has been the single best advice I’ve heard regarding shitty people. Shrug your shoulders and tell yourself “Some people suck” the next time someone cuts you off while driving. You’ll be better for it.

Communicating well will dissolve about 90% of your problems and it’s how you learn

You need to communicate everything. And then clarify, and communicate again. So many of our problems stem from the fact that “we know” what the other person wants without communicating first. Or “we assume” that they already know what we want without communicating. Newsflash: other people have no fucking clue that all you really wanted was just for them to ask you if you wanted to join them on their “Naked Retreat” next month even though you didn’t really want to go anyways, but an invite would have been nice regardless so they should have at least asked…unless you fucking communicate that! No body knows what you want unless you tell them. Stop assuming they do. And stop assuming you know everything. You know way less than you think you do. (Oh yea, listening is part of communicating. You should try it.)

The language you use matters

I know, I shouldn’t swear so much. I’m working on it. But what I mean here is the language we use with each other. The way we talk to each other, especially children. Language matters. The words we use matter. The best example of this is what Carol Dweck terms, “Growth Mindset” and “Fixed Mindset” language. There is a massive, life-altering result that comes from repeatedly telling a child “You’re so smart” versus saying “You’re such a good learner.” If you can’t see the difference in how that child will grow up and engage with the world, go read the book. Now.

Chill out, maaaan

Seriously, chill out. Everything is going to be just fine. I promise.

Everyone is missing a couple screws and everyone has their own shit

I so sincerely believe this at the bottom of my core: every single person on this planet has a couple screws loose…and we are all just doing the best we can to keep those screws from falling out completely. We are all a little fucked up in our own way. Let’s be honest: if we knew the real you and what goes on in that noggin of yours, we might be a little worried for your safety. And our own. But that’s awesome: be weird, embrace your flaws, and most of all, never give a shit what anyone else thinks about you. And remember, everybody is dealing with their own unique shit – their own messy life, their own problems and their own chaos and demons. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can relax a bit because we’re all a bunch of loose-screwed maniacs and we’re in this shit together.

Do what makes you happy

Of course, this doesn’t mean that everything in life is awesome and that you’ll be happy 100% of the time. You won’t. Life sucks some of the time. It also doesn’t mean you should just pleasure-seek your whole life and forget about others. It means that you should fill your days with things that you enjoy doing. You’re really not here for very long. Why would you choose to do things in a day that don’t make you happy?

Have fun

Again, life sucks sometimes. But have fun the other 90% of the time. Why wouldn’t you?

Follow your curiosities

I notice time and time again that people stop themselves from following their interests because it might not give them the result they want. If you are curious about something, go do it. Again, you’re not here for very long, remember? So why wouldn’t you try the things that pique your interest and that fascinate you? Seems silly not to.

Travel the world when you are young

This isn’t to say you can’t travel and experience the wonders of the world when you are older, you can. However, traveling the world when you are in your 20s or 30s versus when you are in your 40s, 50s or 60s are two very, very different experiences. Do both.

Remember things about people and ask them about those things

This isn’t some manipulating-people trick. Just be a decent human and listen to people when they talk, remember some things and interests they talk about, and then ask them about those things and interests. Next time you see them, ask them about those things and interests again. Pretty simple. (Remember when I mentioned listening before? Yea, you’re going to want to do more of that.)

Get paid for what you love to do

For 39 years, I thought this was stuff of legend. I really enjoyed my career as a teacher. I was content. But I wasn’t truly happy. It was a job that I was pretty good at, it paid the bills, and allowed me to see the world. But it wasn’t the thing. I believe this exists for everyone out there. They just haven’t turned over enough rocks to expose it. (This one is so hard because I believe it is impossible to explain to someone to who hasn’t felt it. Like love, nobody knows what the fuck love is until they actually feel it. And even love can be confused with just having a boner or becoming aroused.) It’s complicated, and loving what you do has many factors, but I believe a few things are in there for you, waiting to be exposed.

It starts with belief. No, wait. It starts with action

The chicken and the egg: do you need to “believe” before you take action, or do you need to take action first to create “belief”? Honestly, I’ve found that it starts with either one, and you get to choose. Maybe you don’t have to believe that you’ll be the world’s next greatest pop-singer to take action. Or maybe you need to have some delusional belief that it is possible before you start. Whichever one comes first, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you take action.

Timing matters

Timing in life is everything. The moment that you are meant to meet a person with whom you will spend the rest of your life might have just passed because you stopped to tie your shoelace. Or because you are reading this article. (Whoops. Sorry about that.) But the good news, you can’t control life’s timing anyways, so don’t even try. Just keep showing up.

You’ll never know unless you try

I must have heard this one a million times, but it never really sank in until recently. But there is no truer advice. You can never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever know if you like something or if something works until you try it.

Life is simple: make decisions and don’t look back

I wrote that in a journal entry I found recently, from when I was 23 and living out of a car while road tripping around Australia and in the middle of the Outback staring up at the most starlit sky I have ever seen. I think I was onto something.

Action and Progress are all that matter

Nothing matters if you don’t take action. Nothing. You are either doing it. Or you aren’t. You are either making progress. Or you aren’t. Unlike much of life, there isn’t a whole lot of grey area here.

Moving from point A to point B reveals points F, W, Q, U, T, P, N, S…

You must start moving in a direction, and as you move from point A to point B, other cool options and opportunities will start to appear. Of course, you don’t start heading to all of them. That’s silly. But instead of going from A to B, you might want to head to point Q. The idea is, you must take action before any other opportunities will start to reveal themselves.

The best and worst anyone can ever do is think a thought about you. And it’s up to you whether or not that thought matters to you. Because that is how you feel

I once heard a guy on the internet say this, and it has stuck with me. Aside from any physical stuff, good or bad, all anyone can ever do to you is think a thought about you or say words to you. And the only thing you ever have to do is simply decide if that thought or those words will matter to you or not. You get to decide. And based on what you decide, that will affect how you will feel – and that is how you feel about yourself, your place in the world, and the world itself. And, ultimately, this will create your future. Profound.

Reality is not always what it says it is

Tim Ferriss says this better than I ever could: “Reality is negotiable. Outside of science and law, all rules can be bent or broken, and it doesn’t require being unethical.” Reality is malleable. Go make it what you want.

You are a unique snowflake…then you got mashed up with all the other snowflakes and just became that brown goop on the side of the road that nobody likes

Yea, don’t let that happen. Stay unique. Be you. Do you. Be vulnerable. I’m so serious. Don’t follow the crowd and end up as the brown goop that people just trudge over. We don’t need any more of that. You really are a unique snowflake. As lame as it sounds, you are. There is literally no one that is alive or that has ever lived, or ever will live that is you. That’s fucking wild!

It’s all in your head

The whole world, your whole life is played out through those eyes, that perception, those thoughts and beliefs and scripts and interpretations and predictions and errors and processes and neurons and stories and narratives and…well, you know: whatever makes you, you.

So what are you going to do with it?

One last thing before we go: Smile and laugh more. The word in front of you will start to change.

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