You “Don’t Know” What You’re Doing…

Life IS Uncertainty

Previously, I mentioned that I wanted to talk about how most things in life can’t be “solved.” So today is about leaning into the truth that, as we move into a new year, it’s okay that you “don’t know” or “haven’t solved” whatever it is you’re holding on to.

In fact, pretty much all of life is lived in this unresolved state.

And, as always, that’s a good thing.

The “I Don’t Know” Dot

The first dot I want to introduce is from Annie Duke’s (cool name) book Thinking in Bets.

Although the book is about game theory, the underlying message is simple: We don’t know, and will never know, anything for certain.

Coming to grips with that is the first step in, well, just about everything.

In order to control what you focus on, what to put your energy into, you have to first admit that you don’t know for sure, but you’re going for it anyway.

“What makes a decision great is not that it has a great outcome. A great decision is the result of a good process, and that process must include an attempt to accurately represent our own state of knowledge. That state of knowledge, in turn, is some variation of “I’m not sure.”

• From a young age, we are told not to say “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure.”
• But, saying “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” reflects a realistic view of the world.

She goes on to say:

“But getting comfortable with “I’m not sure” is a vital step to being a better decision-maker. We have to make peace with not knowing.”

We spend most of our lives seeking certainty, mostly because our brain loves certainty and safety, but also because we are scared to admit that, actually, we have no idea what we’re doing most of the time.

The “Fighting” Dot

The second dot.

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m no relationship expert—not even close. But, I do, however, like to learn about being a better partner.

That’s where I learned about John Gottman, the leading relationship expert, who spent nearly 50 years studying relationships.

Obviously, in those 50 years, he uncovered a lot, but one thing that struck me was this:

69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual.

If you haven’t fallen out of your chair after reading that, let me help you do that.

That means that 7 out of 10 problems we have in our relationship are fundamental problems that never go away.

They are unsolvable.

Even more, Gottman found that couples will return to them over and over again.

Connecting the Dots

So what does this have to do with life? Or 2025 for that matter?

This state of uncertainty, or unresolved-ness, is something that you can’t run from. And you don’t want to ignore it either.

It’s not the unresolved situation that bothers us—it’s the narrative we tell ourselves about it.

That means it’s in our control.

The best thing you can do is accept the uncertainty and the unresolved issues as part of life—tell yourself the true story: sometimes you just “don’t know,” and the majority of your life has problems that you are constantly trying to fix and make “right,” but it doesn’t work.

Once you accept that, you can let the unresolved stay unresolved and put your energy toward something meaningful: learning to live well amidst the chaos.