How to Ruin Your Relationship (If You’re a Man)
I was never very good at relationships.
But I didn’t know that at the time. No one really tells you how to do a relationship. It is just something that you figure out on your own, on the fly, day by day.
Looking back on the relationships I’ve had in my life, I realize one thing I was really good at: ruining them.
Most of us just expect to be good at being in a relationship just by being in a relationship. But it doesn’t work that way.1
“Relationships take work,” they say.
Okay, great, but what does that even mean? What work?
One problem that I’ve had with our societal norms for a while, amongst other things, is that so many young people are expected to get married in their 20s. That’s young.
Of course, biology has a lot to say on the matter, and I get that.
But it appears that the trend is changing. People are getting married later in life, many citing a desire for a stronger economic foundation before entering into such a commitment or more time to explore life before settling down.
Smart.
How to Ruin Your Relationship: Don’t Do These Six Things
But what about the act of being in a relationship? How do you actually do a relationship when it does happen?2
Nobody knows what the hell they are doing.
Clearly.
I was one of those people and I got pretty good at ruining, or sabotaging relationships. It was easy. I didn’t know what I was doing.
Amazingly, you can’t just “show up” and everything will be alright. You really do have to work, and here are the six things you need to know if you are a guy:
- Attention
- Affection
- Appreciation
- Presence
- Trust
- Respect
Pretty straightforward. Six things for how to ruin your relationship. Or make it work.
Let’s have a look at each one.
Attention
Let’s be honest, everyone likes attention. Men like attention. Women like attention. And a lot of it. But it has to be done the right way and in the right time. It’s a tricky balance. One that I just couldn’t seem to nail down.
Notice things. See the new outfit. The haircut. The nails. The shoes, oh, the shoes! Pay attention to her not just when sharing a moment, but when she is living her life. Pay attention to the details, the little things. Basically, pay attention to all the things you probably think are unimportant.
If you want to pay attention to your phone, sports, drinks with the boys, porn, or some easily accessible distraction most of the time, stop.
Affection
I might be projecting here, but I think a lot of men struggle with showing affection — really opening up and being vulnerable, especially elder millennials or older — we grew up in the “Men aren’t pussies” and “Men don’t cry” generation.
In fact, I wager that most men struggle to consistently and accurately identify their own emotions.
When you aren’t “allowed” to express your emotions, it gets harder and harder to find them.
Growing up as a child and being forced to detach yourself and suffocate your emotions, could play out in the inability to show affection in relationships later in life, over-affection, or even the pursuit of grandiosity.
The “boys will be boys” societal norm has left a lot of grown men stranded on a desolate island, hopelessly surrounded by a sea of emotional expressiveness, yet closed off by external and internal expectations and barriers.
Appreciation
A simple acknowledgment goes a long, long way. Saying “Thank you” and meaning it is one of the simplest things you can do in a relationship. It really is that easy.
Appreciate when your partner shows up for you. You don’t always have to reciprocate either. It’s not a scorecard. Sometimes, all you have to do is say “Thank you”.
Presence
This one…this is the one. If you can be present, really present, then everything will be okay.
This one goes way deeper than where we are going in this article, but if you don’t have conscious awareness of your life, then I truly have no idea what you are doing. The idea of being present and aware in life blows my mind every time I think about it. It is a whole new world once you “see” yourself and choose to be in the moment. No phone, no social media or messages, or T.V. in the background, but just you and them.
Now imagine doing that with the person you love. Yeah, pretty sweet, right?
Of course, it’s not possible to do this in every single moment of life, and you don’t have to. But when you are there, really be there.
And this article would be all wrong if I left out communication. Learn how to communicate well. Period.
This video alone changed the way I approach my relationships with women. You don’t always have to fix things, gentlemen. Sometimes, all you have to do is just listen.
Trust
If you’ve ever been hurt or cheated on in a relationship, then you know this one. Putting your trust in another person isn’t easy. In fact, trust issues might stem from a myriad of experiences in your life, even those from childhood.
Trust takes time. Have patience. As Stephen Covey elaborates, building trust is like an emotional bank account. You build it up over time by making small deposits by doing things like doing what you say you are going to do, being kind, and being honest.
Respect
This goes without saying, but if you don’t completely respect the person you are with, or don’t feel respected, leave. Now.
Men and Women
Now, some of these overlap for men and women, obviously, but I think there are different factors that are in play for women in a relationship.
I don’t know nearly enough about that yet to speak on, but I get some parts of it from a man’s point of view: men need support from their partner. They also need space, although I guess everyone needs that once in a while.
But for men, it is an essential component in a relationship—to get enough space to be present when they are there. Stemming from that space, men need to feel that they are in control. Not in some unhealthy, domineering, and abusive way (hey, what you’re into in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom), but in a way that they are in control of “where the ship is going” in a sense.
How to Ruin Your Relationship
So, if you want to ruin your relationship, don’t do any of those six things. And if you want to be even more prolific at sabotaging relationships then don’t ever exercise, don’t have a purpose in your life, and definitely just walk away and leave whenever an argument comes up, and never, ever communicate clearly and openly.
Yep, that should do the trick.
Good luck with your destruction.
Or, maybe…
Don’t do what I did.
- https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice ↩︎
- https://www.tonyrobbins.com/ultimate-relationship-guide ↩︎
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