Time to Stop the Sharks: A Love Letter to Coaches

I was one of them — a shark, a coach for men — one of the “coaches” that are out there trying to “hunt” clients.

Spamming inboxes. Cookie-cutter messages. Imitation programs. Feigning interest. Being nice for the sake of the sale.

It was gross.

I hated it.

Needless to say, I didn’t stay in that ocean for long. Couldn’t. Didn’t like the temperature of the water.

It’s a nasty, manipulative business from the angle that I saw things.

Before I get ahead of myself and have you getting your daggers out looking for blood, let me say this: I truly believe there are a lot of incredible and knowledgeable coaches and life coaches out there who are making an honest effort to help people and make a bigger impact on the world. I really do.

But…

They are getting harder and harder and harder to find.

My social media echo chamber became inundated with coaches and life coaches, and the closer I looked, really looked, all I saw was coaches coaching coaches coaching coaches.

It gave me an icky feeling.

It felt pyramid-scheme-y wrong. Almost “cult-y”.

I initially tried to turn off the feeling inside: “Oh, that’s just because of my newsfeed,” or “Not all coaches are like this, right?”

Not All Coaches Are Bad Coaches

Truth is, not all of them are.

But some are.

And that sucks.

People enter the self-improvement space all the time. Most with the simple intention of improving various aspects of their lives.

And that’s a good thing.

Some people enter while looking for something, sometimes a passion or career. In some weird, predictable way, in their uncertainty, they are drawn to the path of “become a coach”, “Coach for men”, and “Coach for (insert helpless group of people here) like moths to the flame.

It’s one cookie-cutter program after another. One coach takes another coach’s program and then starts their own, coaching others on how to become coaches.

As more and more new people are entering the game, exponentially, and at a lower level, they become easy targets, attracted to the “10k Months in 3 Months!”, “1–2–3 Signature Formula for Massive Growth!”, and the “Coach for Men Secret Formula to Hit SIX Figures!”

Ugh!

Enough already.

There is no secret formula.

But, unfortunately, that doesn’t sell too well, now does it?

Coach for Men: The Secret

There is absolutely no secret formula to self-improvement or business. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. In fact, I’ll give you the super-secret-ultimate-best-most-awesome-signature secret to all of your dreams right now:

Do four or five simple, correct things really well, for a very long time, every single day.

That’s it.

I’m serious.

But hey…

“We help you attract more clients in your business.” Oh, okay. Here’s all my money. Thanks.

“We help get your business to 6 or 7 figures.” Oh, great. Here’s some more money. Because the last one didn’t work.

“Our signature method to lose weight in 30 days!” Yayyyyy. I can’t wait.

“100k in 6 months in your business!” Whoa! Where do I sign up?

It’s always aimed at those struggling coaches, life coaches, or people who are struggling in their lives and don’t know any better. Sadly, those people who are attracted to the shortcut — the easy answer.

This isn’t to say that people don’t ever need coaching. Some do. In fact, a lot of people probably do.

But should it cost you $10,000 dollars to uncover some secret that’s not really a secret at all?

Probably not.

There are seminars that last over a few days where vulnerable people sacrifice their life savings in the hopes that it will change their lives or business.

It might.

But it probably won’t.

At least not much more than watching a few videos and reading a few books. And oh yeah, doing the actual work. That might help a bit. The action—the problem-solving. The networking. You know, the actual thing.

Whatever that is you already know you need to do.

The problem is that many people have recently moved to the digital space to look for possible opportunities, many, to start a business or to improve their life. And the coaching model takes advantage of that. It is like a tornado that sucks you in — and now more and more coaches are circulating inside the vortex — coaches coaching coaches coaching coaches.

Can a Coach for Men or Women Help?

Is it all coaches coaching coaches?

No.

But sometimes it feels that way.

Can coaching help?

Yeah, it can. But with the right coach and for the right reasons.

Coaching provides a “mirror” for the client. A sort of questioning-sounding board. A reflection. A blindspot detector.

That has its place in the world.

Although, sometimes I think a really good friend that you sincerely trust to listen to you and that will let you talk through your problems and thought process, will do the trick. And for a lot cheaper. Maybe even a cup of joe.

But that isn’t available for everyone.

What is available, though, is pure action.

Action will give you feedback. Putting yourself out there will give you feedback. Testing ideas will give you feedback. Experimenting will give you feedback. Talking to people and asking for feedback will give you feedback. Journaling will give you (incredible) feedback. Videotaping yourself will give you feedback (very uncomfortable feedback at that — ever watched yourself on video? The first few (hundred) times are rough!).

You need to go shake things up. Shake up your life. Learn something new. Take some action. Get feedback. Repeat. Again and again and again.

Where This Coach for Men Article Came From

This article about coaches for men, life coaches, the coaching industry, and the self-help industry came when I was really frustrated with it, but I was terrified to share it publicly because I saw myself as a kind of “coach” in a minor way. More of a teacher. A knowledge cultivator. An idea and information guy. An experimenter. A super-curious fellow who cared a lot about self-improvement and human potential. A guy that just wanted to help people.

I thought that what I wanted to say about the bitter taste I had from coaching, life coaches, and self-help would get in the way of people seeing me as someone who truly wanted to help people so they wouldn’t have to experience the darkness and absolutely terrifying slog that I went through. I don’t know what people will think. But that’s okay. I need to write this and share it: I don’t love the idea of the manipulative marketing around the coaching industry, the “cookie-cutterness”, the “religious-cult-y” vibe that it has in some places, and coaches who are just coaching coaches to make money or take advantage of those that need help.

Coach for Men Frustrations

Here’s how this frustration started: I was frequenting some self-help communities to check them out, where people were genuinely struggling with a problem, and they would post about it. And every one of the reply comments went something like this: “Hey I’m actually a coach that helps people with this. You need to do XYZ, visualize success, and say affirmations. Actually I just sent you a DM.” Every. Single. One. Sharks in a blood-red ocean. It was a feeding frenzy.

All these I-just-sent-you-a-DM people were just saying, “I’m going to pitch you in your DMs because I can’t do it here.”

Maybe I’m just being cynical.

Maybe.

But probably not.

I know how the process works.

Each time I saw the barrage of replies from these people offering a vague solution and then privately DM-ing them, I found myself thinking, instead of DM-ing them, Why don’t you just reply with real, meaningful advice to help the person?

I found myself replying again and again to the person-seeking-help’s comment with, “Listen, you don’t need any coach to help you with this…” And then I would give the person useful, meaningful, and actionable tips they could use, with zero expectation for anything in return.

No DM needed.

Coaching Without Expectations

But that’s the thing: expectations.

Is it possible to just give without expectation?

What would happen then?

What if we just gave value to people for no other reason than to simply provide value? And not seeing every person as a “potential client” that you “need to DM.” But, instead, just a person who needs some help. And then helping them.

This might all sound a bit drab, and perhaps it is.

Here’s the thing: I believe in coaching. With the right coach truly listening to you, guiding you, removing your blindspots, and helping you push past fears that you were too scared to overcome or to even notice, yourself, well, that can make all the difference. In fact, it can change someone’s life forever. And isn’t that what we are here for? To change lives and make a real impact — leave this world a little better than when we found it?

Or maybe it’s just me.

I’ve learned a lot this past year of self-improvement. I’ve read a lot. Researched a lot. Put myself out there a lot. Failed a lot. I got back up again—a lot.

And being a coach for men and women for a while, I’ve changed a lot.

And you can, too. But not with some “10k in 3 months!” program, or a “We help you scale your business to 7 figures with our signature method” program or even a $10,000 retreat.

You don’t need any of that.

You need skills.¹

And you need pure action.

You need to do a few small, simple things really well, every single day.

And that’s the secret.

It really is.

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1. https://markmanson.net/the-point-is-to-stop ↩︎

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